Forgetting About “It”
Intertwined with the notion of resilience and moving past the feelings and thoughts that emerge from our disputes is whether we can actually forget about what occurred. Or, do we store the emotional impact and the impressions we make about the other person and ourselves? It has been suggested in a previous blog that unless we unpack what happened for us in our interpersonal disputes we will carry the luggage around with us. This week the ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is more on this topic.
The starting point is that it is unlikely that we totally forget the interactions that offend us or in which we offend others. Some conflicts unfortunately leave indelible marks that make it difficult to forget about the pain of the interaction. Others of course, do not leave marks as deep. In either case, what we do hold onto in our hearts and minds is significant and the feelings and thoughts that remain commonly show up again in situations with the same person or with others when similar dynamics arise. It is also common that when we agonize about what remains unresolved, we misplace or displace our emotions on bystanders or issues that are not relevant. In any case, it helps us to focus on what we remember as an opportunity to develop our conflict mastery about how to lighten the load about the things we don’t forget.
For answering today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), please consider an interpersonal dispute which you are not forgetting:
- What specifically are you not forgetting about that specific dispute?
- What is particularly significant for you about that thing (those things)?
- What is the impact on you about not forgetting that/those?
- What impact do you think this (not forgetting) has on the other person?
- What are you gaining from not forgetting? Losing?
- If you think or feel it’s not necessary to forget or you prefer not to or the memory remains for other reasons, what are you holding onto mostly about this matter and for what reason(s)?
- What would forgetting that thing (those things) be like for you?
- What impact would forgetting have on the other person?
- In what ways does the memory you have of this situation reflect something you are not forgetting about a previous situation (or situations) too?
- What insights do these sets of questions provide?
What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?