Interpersonal conflict is an inevitable part of our lives and many
of us struggle with ‘sticky situations’ that arise with
our clients, colleagues and others. Our learning about what to do
and what not to do regarding conflict begins as young children. Years
and layers of experiences later, many of us will admit that we are
not as adept in this area as we would like to be.
Given its many complexities and no rule book to turn to, it is no
wonder that many people are confounded about how to effectively manage
conflict. However, the importance of being competent in this area
as coaches cannot be overstated. This is not only for managing our
own conflict, but also for coaching our clients about their conflicts.
Here are some things to consider in your efforts to manage sticky
situations with clients or others.
Types of sticky situations
- Coaches determine clients are not coachable, or for other reasons
decide to terminate their relationship
- Clients express dissatisfaction with their progress and blame
their coaches
- Coaches realize there is a conflict of interest
- Clients fire you and may even threaten a lawsuit or other action
- Clients do not pay their accounts at all, or on time
- Clients are habitually late for appointments, or cancel on short
notice
- Clients demonstrate words and actions that challenge the coaches’
values.
Managing conflict
Mastering conflict so that it doesn’t master us requires introspective
work. Current language in the conflict management field is about conflict
engagement and viewing conflict as an opportunity to grow, to strengthen
relationships and to find mutually satisfactory resolutions. Here
are five suggestions about ways to enhance your skills for managing
conflict:
1. Vent or We’ll Invent
We all know that it is important to vent when we are faced with a
challenge in our lives. Whether it is to a coach, colleague, friend
or family member, it is important to share what happened from our
perspective. It is equally important to consider and articulate what
the other person’s version may be about what occurred. Being
absolutely honest in considering our contribution is the piece that
is often missing. Without that piece, the story can easily become
one of blame, denial and a tendency to become entrenched in our positions.
2. Coach the ‘Gap’
Reflective work is important whenever we realize our rule book on
conflict is missing a few pages. Using a coach approach, it helps
after venting to conduct a ‘gap’ analysis about the situation,
such as:
- What is the outcome I want here — both in result and how
I want to respond?
- What action steps will help me reach my outcome?
- What will get in the way of me taking those steps?
- How will I overcome those challenges?
Self-reflective work in conflict coaching involves, among other things,
examining our patterns of reactions, our ‘hot buttons,’
and gaining insights into what perpetuates them. For instance, we
often perceive a value is being undermined when someone pushes our
hot buttons. Identifying that value often provides an important insight,
as does exploring our assumptions. It is not sufficient to identify
only our own ‘hot buttons,’ though. It is necessary to
consider what we may have said or done to provoke the other person’s
values.
3. Choose the Action
In keeping with the theme that interpersonal conflict is often best
addressed in collaborative ways, consider a range of options to manage
the situation that will not only meet your needs, but may also work
for the other person. If the outcome desired is to resolve matters
and make amends, there are various ways to do so. This typically includes
having a face-to-face or telephone conversation with the other person.
Writing letters and emails are more subject to misinterpretation,
but do-able, if well prepared.
Consider also mediation — a confidential and voluntary process
in which a neutral person facilitates a dialogue between you and the
other person. Mediators typically take people through a process of
having each person convey their side of the story, what the issues
are, what they both want and why, and what options there are for a
mutually agreeable resolution. Sound familiar? Mediators come from
a range of backgrounds and their fees are variable. Payment of the
mediator’s costs, the venue (it can also be done by telephone
or online) and choosing the practitioner, are all matters to consider.
4. Preparing for the Action
It goes without saying that the opportunity to prepare for and practice
the interaction will facilitate the journey to the desired outcome.
Some suggested questions to consider are:
- Having previously considered what outcome I want, what may the
other person want?
- What may be most important to the other person about this situation?
- What is the message I want to convey?
- What tone do I want to set?
- What may the other person want to tell me?
- What am I most concerned about? How will I manage that?
- What else do I need to be prepared for?
5. Note the Lesson and Grow From It
One of the ways to enhance our conflict management skills is to note
the lesson learned in sticky situations and add it to our rule books.
Addressing sticky situations often reminds us that we are not as competent
in the area of conflict as we want to be. We may want specific coaching
on our conflict management goals, or to undertake training or some
self-work about how to engage more effectively in conflict.
Conclusion
Sticky situations can be complicated and fraught with challenges,
to say the least. However, we can unbundle them by increasing our
self-awareness. Also, being intentional about enhancing our conflict
management skills is the entrance to the important path that leads
to an increase in our conflict competence. Developing this type of
competence is necessary for two reasons: to effectively engage in
conflict as coaches, and to enable skillful coaching of our clients
through their own sticky situations. Mastery of conflict helps strengthen
the foundation of our work as coaches.
Cinnie Noble, ACC, CM, LL.M. (ADR), is a lawyer-mediator and
ICF certified coach who created the CINERGY® model of conflict
coaching. She chairs the ACR Workplace Section’s new Conflict
Coaching Subcommittee and is co-chair of the ICF’s Special Interest
Group on Conflict Coaching.
