Using Questions to Align Purpose and Practice
by Cinnie Noble: published in the Peer Resources Peer Bulletin, August, 2007.

There is often a disconnect for coaches, mediators, mentors and others who assist people with their conflicts, regarding how we ourselves engage in conflict. Many of us know that we do not always interact in ways that are consistent with what we deem or articulate, as appropriate conduct. For instance, the other day, a friend referred to an incident that happened at her workplace over two years ago. We have had many conversations about it, at the time and for many months later. When she raised it again the other day, I responded, “I can’t believe you are still carrying that weight around!” I have to admit, I said it with somewhat of an impatient edge in my voice. She reacted with, “And I can’t believe you aren’t being more compassionate about this matter. You know what impact it had on me!” She was right. There’s no expiration date on how long something may effect us and it was a huge event in her life. I really had to think about my reaction and what was it that provoked me to respond in a way that was hurtful.

Gaining increased self-awareness helps to unbundle this lack of alignment and one way of doing this is by asking ourselves some powerful questions.

The skill of powerful questioning is a main tool of the coaching and mentoring fields, used to increase self-discovery. Powerful questions are formulated to ask the less than obvious queries; they plant seeds; they inspire the receiver to consider things they haven’t yet thought of; they facilitate the process of shifting perspectives.

Am I “Walking the Talk”?
Undoubtedly, self-reflective conflict coaches, mentors and other practitioners acknowledge the importance of examining the way we manage our own interpersonal conflict and many of course, do. When we are not just effective, but highly effective at engaging in conflict, we see ourselves and others see us in ways that are consistent with what we do for a living.
It is suggested that effective conflict engagement behaviours include:

• embracing differences and learning from them
• taking responsibility for our part of what happened
• seeking to understand the other person’s view, before articulating our perspective
• not blaming
• not being defensive or feeling the necessity to justify ourselves
• discussion that considers both the other person’s and our own concerns, needs and feelings
• being present, flexible and open
• not ignoring “the other person’s” distress
• reaching out
• forgiving “the other person” and ourselves
• being resilient

As a way of beginning to shift unproductive conflict behaviours, self-reflective practitioners may examine their conflict propensities, by reflecting on their objectives and beginning their questioning with a query such as, “What is one aspect of how I engage in conflict that I want to improve?” From this starting point, various other questions take self-examination to another line of inquiry. Consider:

• In what ways does this aspect have an adverse impact on my work, e.g. with my clients and co-workers? My personal life?
• What am I doing or saying related to this aspect, that may get in the way of fully understanding and working with the conflict in front of me, in my work?
• How may my neutrality and effectiveness be impeded due to this aspect?
• What steps do I need to take to reach my objective, to improve this aspect?
• What will get in my way of taking these steps?
• What will I do to overcome those challenges?

Summary
The continuing journey to enhance our ability and skills to engage in conflict is an interesting path of self-discovery. The destination, among other things, is to be able to walk the talk, to be better aligned internally and externally and to increase our skills when we are helping others with their conflicts. This is not always an easy journey, but it is adventurous and worthy of asking the right questions.

 

Cinnie Noble, ACC, CM, LL.M. (ADR), is a lawyer-mediator and ICF certified coach who created the CINERGY® model of conflict coaching. She chairs the ACR Workplace Section’s new Conflict Coaching Subcommittee and is co-chair of the ICF’s Special Interest Group on Conflict Coaching.