CONNECTING POINTS
::
This is a sample newsletter
from CINERGY™ Coaching (February2002).
To subscribe to CONNECTING
POINTS, send an email to info@cinergycoaching
with 'subscribe ' in the subject line.
In this CINERGY™
Coaching newsletter
| 1 |
FIVE
IMPORTANT CONNECTING POINTS ABOUT CONFLICT
:: |
Disputes are an inevitable
and a natural part of our lives. Expecting relationships
to develop without disagreement is unrealistic.
Growing and learning from the conflict experience
is not the usual expectation. If your preference
is to avoid conflict, or if your current method
of dealing with it is less than satisfying,
consider some of these tips that may help conflict
be an opportunity for positive change:
:: It takes willingness, discipline
and motivation to try new ways of approaching
conflict. First steps include suspending our
assumptions and not imposing our views and values
on the other person. Attributing motives and
laying blame are also unproductive and energy-draining
ways of dealing with the situation.
:: It is an understatement
to say that personalizing disputes is destructive
and does nothing to foster an ongoing relationship.
A person may have done something we consider
stupid. However, reacting to the conduct as
though the action or words define the person
e.g. "as stupid", will not help matters
or facilitate resolution of the dispute. Keeping
personal presumptions and remarks out of the
dispute helps us focus on what really needs
to get resolved.
:: Venting our feelings about
the dispute is an important step in helping
us deal effectively with conflict. Emoting to
someone other than the person with whom we are
in dispute, often helps. This does not preclude
telling the other person about the impact the
dispute has on us. In fact, taking some time
to gain a clearer perspective about what really
triggered any emotional reaction and the consequent
impact are valuable insights, that help us focus
more closely on what we need to resolve the
dispute.
:: Commonly, disputes that
upset us most have their roots in a fundamental
challenge to our values. It is important to
consider which of our own values may have been
undermined in a dispute. Considering what values
we may have challenged for the other person
also helps to put things into a more realistic
perspective. Essentially then, before concentrating
on what the dispute is about, consider what
underlying issues such as values, may be contributing
to the dissension.
:: Many people in a dispute
have to "be right". When our starting
point is that we are right and the other person
is wrong, we become increasingly entrenched
and polarized the more we assert our respective
views. This approach is obviously counterproductive
and ineffective. Changing perspectives to consider
that each disputing party is right is an important
shift. Therefore, it often helps to stand back
from our positions and consider that the other
person believes just as strongly in the wisdom
of his/her views. This enables us to consider
that the answer to who is right and who is wrong
will not advance resolution. Rather, the answer
to "How can we reconcile our differences?"
moves us forward.
| 2 |
CONFLICT
MANAGEMENT
EXERCISE OF THE WEEK :: |
This is the first of a series
of self-reflective exercises about some ways
to rethink how you manage conflict.
Begin by taking a few minutes
and identify your "triggers". Triggers
are behaviours, words, actions, attitudes and
so on that set you off, e.g. cause you to feel
put off, angry, upset. For instance, a trigger
may be when someone is condescending toward
you; or when someone questions your authority
or a value you hold dear. It may be a tone of
voice, a look, a gesture.
Make a list now and for the
next two weeks check off which ones happen (adding
any new ones that may occur). Leave space in
between triggers for the next part of this reflection
exercise.
