We know we cannot control what comes out of other peoples’ mouths, how they act and what they do. However, in the aftermath, to focus on understanding what upset us. Doing so gives us important insights and information to convey to the other person in anticipation they will hear us and not repeat the same behaviour. And the exercise of paying attention to what triggers our strong reactions also helps prepare us to respond more effectively when we encounter the same or similar behaviours.

To focus your energy and also, process the incident then, consider starting a sentence with “I wish you hadn’t (wouldn’t)….” and fill in the blank with as many words as you want to express what it is that offended (hurt, disappointed etc.) you. The things we identify this way signify what’s important to us in our lives, our relationships, what we value, what we need from others and what threatens the safety of our relationships. Acknowledging those important values and needs etc. helps strengthen our conflict mastery skills, too.

Again, though we cannot control what another person says or does, we can decide whether it is the sort of behaviour we are willing to accept or not and if so, what needs to be in place to foster a healthy relationship. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you then, to consider your limits of tolerance and acceptance – and what you can and cannot control. To do so it is suggested that you consider  a specific situation that pushed your limits of acceptability.

• What happened?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that pushed your limit of tolerance?
• Which of your values or needs were undermined by the other person with those words or actions (your answer(s) to the above question)?
• How did you react internally? How did you respond outwardly?
• What did you hope that the other person would have done or said instead?
• What difference might that have made if they had done so ( your answer to the previous question)?
• What, if anything, might have been controllable (by you) about how this person interacted?
• How would you have asserted some controls (your answer to the previous questions)?
• What  else do you wish you had said or done differently? 
• What might the other person have wished you had said or done?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It’s an understatement to say that our lives can change in a blink of an eye! The lack of predictability of everyday life and both the potential heart ache and the joys from the unexpected are always there. Yet, in general, many of us don’t consciously live, in anticipation of something bad or something good about to happen in our day- to-day lives. Having said that there are certainly many of us who, on a regular basis, worry about and anticipate worse case scenarios about a range of matters – with and without cause. There are also many of us who constantly live in hopes of best case scenarios even against all odds.

Optimistic versus pessimist personality types may, in part, explain our mindset and ways we cope and navigate our lives when -‘just like that’-something changes. And, of course, our mindsets can help or hinder now we react and to what extent we call on our inner resources or others to be able to manage the unexpected. This includes an unexpected conflict with someone!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict that erupted totally unexpected – much to your surprise and consternation – when answering the questions below. That is – seemingly out of nowhere- a friend, colleague, family member, boss (or anyone else)- engages you in a dispute about something you said or did that upset them and you had no idea this was brewing.

• What was the scenario when- just like that -you were faced with the realization that you had upset someone?
• What specifically did the person accuse you of saying or doing?
• If there is truth to their accusation(s) what are the truths?
• What motivated you at the time to act as you did or say what you did that upset the other person?
• What do you think the person misinterpreted about your actions or what you said?
• What did you observe was the impact on the other person?
• What – did you want that person to know that they ultimately seemed to understand? What didn’t they understand?
• What did you hear or glean about the nature of the intentions the person attributed to you (regarding what you said or did)?
• What do you want the other person to know that you don’t think they do?
• What mindset do you think helps to cope with this sort of situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Not much happens when we or someone else mispronounces the word Worcestershire other than some laughs and attempts to correct someone or ourselves and say it properly. In fact, funny memes and snippets of people trying to say this word abound on social media.  But saying the words “I was wrong “ is also very hard for many people and the response is likely to be far from laughing. More likely the receiver would feel grateful, relieved and often surprised.

The reality is interpersonal conflicts can spin out of control and create lingering tension because one or more people in the dispute will not take responsibility for their wrongdoing that hurt, disappointed and offended the other person(s) and utter those three words – “I was wrong”!

In my conflict work, as a mediator and as a conflict management coach, I repeatedly hear and observe how difficult it is for many people to admit their mistakes and missteps. I’ve thought a lot about what makes it challenging for so many and I typically, engage my coaching clients in conversations about this very thing to see what reasons they might suggest and, what awarenesses may arise by discussing what happened.

In no specific order, common insights and reflections (some stated – some gleaned) I have heard include the following: shame to admit wrongdoing, a need to be right and ‘win’ and make the other person wrong (at some level of consciousness), resistance to letting go of a firmly-held position, embarrassment, fear of the other person’s reaction, pride, losing face, ego, and other reasons. Some people of course, do not believe they did or said something wrong and may blame the other person and their sensibilities. Some say they have no idea why they won’t admit to the other person that they did or said something wrong even when they own that they did. In this regard, it is evident that some realize they have a pattern of holding onto what they are asserting rather than ‘giving in’ by admitting they are wrong.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a current interpersonal dispute in which saying “I was wrong” is difficult for you – in a situation when you know you were.

• What is the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that you know was wrong in that interaction?
• In what ways do you think you were you right?
• How did/does your wrong acts or words impact the other person? How are they impacting you?
• What are the possible reasons you will not admit you were wrong? (considering the list in the above blog for possible reasons)
• What do you suppose the other person might think your reasons are?
• What fears might you have about saying, “I was wrong”
• What do you lose by admitting you were wrong? What might you gain?
• What’s the worst case scenario if you say “I was wrong” to the other person in your conflict?
• What’s the best-case scenario?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Get comfortable with simply having observations instead of deeply engrained opinions.”

I don’t know whose quote this is, but it had a big impact on me when I first read it. It can apply to many types of situations! And  I was particularly struck by the application to interpersonal disputes and how to foster ways of getting comfortable with only having observations. I’d venture a guess many of us let opinions dominate our (my) reactions and so does the other person contributing to an untenable dynamic!

At some level of consciousness, considering my long career in the conflict management field as a mediator and coach, I believe I have tried  to engage more effectively in conflict. I know I have worked at refraining from jumping to making conclusions about people who trigger off strong reactions in me with how they act and what they say that hurts me. What I am still working on is the art of standing back in my heart and mind to be able to simply observe and ask questions rather than making assumptions and applying deeply held opinions!

I don’t think this is the easiest exercise given that we develop habits over time about many things in life, including how we react to others whose actions and words upset us. We don’t always think of our thought process including our assumptions as habitual ways of responding. But, I believe they are. And changing the embedded pattern we have created for ourselves – which also includes shifting the automatic places we go to in our hearts and minds about others’ motivations – takes some time. This certainly does require observing people more. And it includes observing ourselves more, too.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) exercise then, suggests you choose an interpersonal dispute you are or were involved in as you answer the following series of questions. They might help you consider your habits when it comes to interpersonal conflicts.

• What is/was the conflict about?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that triggered a bad reaction in you?
• How might you describe your reaction?
• What reasons came to you about why the other person said or did the things that bothered you most?
• Which of those reasons do you know are the case, for sure? Which might not be for sure?
• If you were watching this interaction and were not directly involved in it (those same things were said or done to someone else) what might you observe from that vantage point?
• What might you hear as you stand back from the conflict?
• If the person who said or did the things that upset you is a favourite person in your life, how might that change what you observed?
• What are the characteristics and habits you would like to have when it comes to how you manage conflict that you don’t have yet (what sort of mind set? heart set? disposition? other?)
• If you had those characteristics, what do you think would be different about the interaction you started with in this set of questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?