I don’t recall the name of the  book in which I read this quote but,  it struck me as a poignant one and has stayed with me.

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to  make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict. Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to work ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions)  blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worse case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worse case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed  and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“It’s impossible,” said fear.
“It’s risky,” said experience.
“It’s pointless,” said reason.
“Give it a try,” whispered the heart.

The above quote (not attributed to an author) caught my attention for several reasons and one of those is that the first three are common sentiments expressed by many of my conflict management coaching clients. With increased awareness, confidence, and conflict competence gained through coaching clients’ shifts are often towards determining and acting on some ways to get in touch with their self-limiting beliefs to be able to mend the broken relationship and mend their pain (these two results are not always one and the same). When the shift occurs it is evident that the shift is typically from the heart rather than from the range of reasons that have till then precluded ‘heartfelt action’.

When I hear the statement – “It’s impossible” – many people involved in an interpersonal dispute automatically go to a place of fear about how to proceed. They might say, ‘I know them – it just isn’t going to work’; ‘what if they reject me even more?’ and ‘what if they won’t accept my apology?’ These and other phrases and questions not only reflect fundamental fear about being rejected (which often has deep roots). They also reflect the next point – “It’s risky” – which is similarly experienced based. Certainly, previous trauma and other situations from our pasts form the foundation that precludes action and making decisions when the situation brings up scary and threatening histories. Other reasons based on our past experiences with this person or with others regarding interpersonal disputes results in us thinking it’s risky to try again leading to – “It’s pointless”. This is commonly heard when clients feel hopeless, bereft, and full of doubt that anything can be salvaged, or that their attempts to try could be successful. Many who say this are trying to be practical rather than put themselves through more grief.

The reasons stated here and many more contribute to the hesitance many of us feel about the thought of trying to make amends or even finding a way to re-engage persons with whom we are in dispute – whether to bridge the schism or to speak our truth which might not necessarily do so.

“Give it a try” the last point in the quote though is very often what our hearts really want to do. It’s the “whisper” that is there – that doesn’t speak louder until we are ready – if we have some hope to be heard, to make amends, to let go and so on. When the pain from the conflict is deep, it is of course, harder to act and therefore, more difficult to consider attempts at reconciliation or otherwise confronting the other person’s bad behaviour. Such attempts seem too “impossible”, “risky”, and “pointless”. And underneath the hesitancy to see how to make amends or speak out we likely know, at some level of our consciousness, that our fears, past experiences, and reason are drowning out the whisper – and we are missing an opportunity to find some peace.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to see if you can find yourself in the three sentences of the quote above and consider what your heart is whispering.

• What situation do you have in mind when thinking about a conflict that you are hesitant to act on?
• What is your heart feeling and whispering to you right now about this conflict?
• What makes acting on this situation (making amends, speaking out etc.) impossible?
• What are the underlying fears about acting on the situation?
• What’s risky about acting on the situation?
• Which of your life experiences is talking here?
• What reasons might it be pointless to act on this situation from your perspective?
• What is the impact on you when you consider reconciling your differences with the other person (if you want to) or, otherwise giving voice to your experience – the not yet spoken words?
• What is your heart whispering to you now as you consider various things here (same as above or if different, how so)?
• What do you really want to say to the other person if you were to feel/believe you have whatever takes to act on what your heart is now whispering? What do you think it will take?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

We know we cannot control what comes out of other peoples’ mouths, how they act and what they do. However, in the aftermath, it’s important to focus on understanding what upset us. Doing so gives us important insights and information to convey to the other person in anticipation they will hear us and not repeat the same behaviour. And the exercise of paying attention to what triggers our strong reactions also helps prepare us to respond more effectively when we encounter the same or similar behaviours.

To focus your energy and also, process the incident then, consider starting a sentence with “I wish you hadn’t (wouldn’t)….” and fill in the blank with as many words as you want to express what it is that offended (hurt, disappointed etc.) you. The things we identify this way signify what’s important to us in our lives, our relationships, what we value, what we need from others and what threatens the safety of our relationships. Acknowledging those important values and needs etc. helps strengthen our conflict mastery skills, too.

Again, though we cannot control what another person says or does, we can decide whether it is the sort of behaviour we are willing to accept or not and if so, what needs to be in place to foster a healthy relationship. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you then, to consider your limits of tolerance and acceptance – and what you can and cannot control. To do so it is suggested that you consider  a specific situation that pushed your limits of acceptability.

• What happened?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that pushed your limit of tolerance?
• Which of your values or needs were undermined by the other person with those words or actions (your answer(s) to the above question)?
• How did you react internally? How did you respond outwardly?
• What did you hope that the other person would have done or said instead?
• What difference might that have made if they had done so ( your answer to the previous question)?
• What, if anything, might have been controllable (by you) about how this person interacted?
• How would you have asserted some controls (your answer to the previous questions)?
• What  else do you wish you had said or done differently? 
• What might the other person have wished you had said or done?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It’s an understatement to say that our lives can change in a blink of an eye! The lack of predictability of everyday life and both the potential heart ache and the joys from the unexpected are always there. Yet, in general, many of us don’t consciously live, in anticipation of something bad or something good about to happen in our day- to-day lives. Having said that there are certainly many of us who, on a regular basis, worry about and anticipate worse case scenarios about a range of matters – with and without cause. There are also many of us who constantly live in hopes of best case scenarios even against all odds.

Optimistic versus pessimist personality types may, in part, explain our mindset and ways we cope and navigate our lives when -‘just like that’-something changes. And, of course, our mindsets can help or hinder now we react and to what extent we call on our inner resources or others to be able to manage the unexpected. This includes an unexpected conflict with someone!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict that erupted totally unexpected – much to your surprise and consternation – when answering the questions below. That is – seemingly out of nowhere- a friend, colleague, family member, boss (or anyone else)- engages you in a dispute about something you said or did that upset them and you had no idea this was brewing.

• What was the scenario when- just like that -you were faced with the realization that you had upset someone?
• What specifically did the person accuse you of saying or doing?
• If there is truth to their accusation(s) what are the truths?
• What motivated you at the time to act as you did or say what you did that upset the other person?
• What do you think the person misinterpreted about your actions or what you said?
• What did you observe was the impact on the other person?
• What – did you want that person to know that they ultimately seemed to understand? What didn’t they understand?
• What did you hear or glean about the nature of the intentions the person attributed to you (regarding what you said or did)?
• What do you want the other person to know that you don’t think they do?
• What mindset do you think helps to cope with this sort of situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)