“Get comfortable with simply having observations instead of deeply engrained opinions.”

I don’t know whose quote this is, but it had a big impact on me when I first read it. It can apply to many types of situations! And  I was particularly struck by the application to interpersonal disputes and how to foster ways of getting comfortable with only having observations. I’d venture a guess many of us let opinions dominate our (my) reactions and so does the other person contributing to an untenable dynamic!

At some level of consciousness, considering my long career in the conflict management field as a mediator and coach, I believe I have tried  to engage more effectively in conflict. I know I have worked at refraining from jumping to making conclusions about people who trigger off strong reactions in me with how they act and what they say that hurts me. What I am still working on is the art of standing back in my heart and mind to be able to simply observe and ask questions rather than making assumptions and applying deeply held opinions!

I don’t think this is the easiest exercise given that we develop habits over time about many things in life, including how we react to others whose actions and words upset us. We don’t always think of our thought process including our assumptions as habitual ways of responding. But, I believe they are. And changing the embedded pattern we have created for ourselves – which also includes shifting the automatic places we go to in our hearts and minds about others’ motivations – takes some time. This certainly does require observing people more. And it includes observing ourselves more, too.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) exercise then, suggests you choose an interpersonal dispute you are or were involved in as you answer the following series of questions. They might help you consider your habits when it comes to interpersonal conflicts.

• What is/was the conflict about?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that triggered a bad reaction in you?
• How might you describe your reaction?
• What reasons came to you about why the other person said or did the things that bothered you most?
• Which of those reasons do you know are the case, for sure? Which might not be for sure?
• If you were watching this interaction and were not directly involved in it (those same things were said or done to someone else) what might you observe from that vantage point?
• What might you hear as you stand back from the conflict?
• If the person who said or did the things that upset you is a favourite person in your life, how might that change what you observed?
• What are the characteristics and habits you would like to have when it comes to how you manage conflict that you don’t have yet (what sort of mind set? heart set? disposition? other?)
• If you had those characteristics, what do you think would be different about the interaction you started with in this set of questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

With the discovery of mirror neurons in the early 1990’s, many scientists came to realize that we understand others not by thinking, but by feeling their experience. That is, mirror neurons let us not only “simulate” others’ actions. They also let us reflect the intentions and emotions behind those actions. For example, when we see someone smile our mirror neurons for smiling become activated in response, too, creating a sensation in our own mind of the feelings we associate with smiling.

When I became aware of this concept early on in my conflict management coaching practice, I also became more mindful about how I show up and the ways I might impact the many interactions I engage in with family, friends, coaching clients and so on. I observed more how others influenced me with their perceived moods, bodily and facial language, tone of voice and so on. I paid more attention to what I had sensed for a long time- a tendency to interpret and read into others’ ways of interacting. I found too that my interpretations were not always accurate, and this is when assumptions creeped into the picture. Luckily, this discovery and awareness resulted in me becoming more careful to check out what I am experiencing, to ask more questions and not rely on my own lens to interpret what I am observing and sensing.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers how we experience one another when in conflict and how we can set ourselves up for the conflict dynamic in ways that have an impact on the interrelationship – positively and negatively. Since we embody and convey energy it is a matter of holding up a mirror and reflecting what we attract and how we can be a magnet for good means and for not-so-good ones, too.

When responding to this set of questions, I suggest that you consider a situation in which you encountered negative emotions coming from someone with whom you are in dispute or it’s evident one is brewing:

• What is the situation?
• What is it you are sensing from the other person?
• From what specifically are you picking up those things (your answer to the above question) such as their tone of voice, body and facial language etc.?
• What is the impact on you?
• What do you suppose you are assuming about the other person including their intent?
• What might you be conveying to the other person through your facial language? Through your words and tone? Through your body language?
• In what ways are you conveying those messages (your answer to the previous question)?
• What sorts of negative interpretations might the other person be making about you based on what they are picking up?
• What might the other person do or say to shift the dynamic to a more positive one through their words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• In what ways may you choose to influence the dynamic more positively through your words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

I don’t know about you but, I sometimes continue to feel a heaviness after a conflict is over for a protracted period of time. I might feel it in my heart, in my head, in my gut. In any case, I experience a sense that I am weighted down. Thoughts and feelings seem to remain with me whether it is what was said to me or how the other person interacted. Or, it may be what I said and how I interacted.

Recently, a coaching client was very specific in their description of the weight they felt they were carrying about an interpersonal dispute, with these words “ I feel like there’s a 50-pound weight across my shoulders and I am stooping over from the pain”. It was a poignant description and it took a while for the client to unpack their experience. And it was a good exercise for them to understand more fully what they were experiencing and the impact that continued to consume them. Their description gave me a strong sense of the heaviness of the weight they carried.

With this in mind, a metaphor regarding the weight of conflict might help you too, to release some of the heaviness you are experiencing about an interpersonal dispute, if that’s the case. Bringing that dispute to mind as you answer these questions, might help  to shed at least some of the weight you are carrying.

• What is the dispute about?
• What part(s) of that dispute are weighing heavily on you?
• In what part(s) of your body are you feeling that weight?
• How much weight in pounds or kilos – metaphorically speaking – would you attribute to what you are feeling (considering your answer to the above question)?
• What words describe the weight on you?
• What specifically was said or done by the other person that resulted in you feeling the amount of the weight you described?
• What specifically did you say or do that is also contributing to the weight you are experiencing?
• How do you want to feel instead about what happened? How or what do you want to feel about the other person? How or what do you want to feel about yourself?
• What do you think it would take – that you can do or say – to start to lessen the weight you are carrying?  What would you like to say to the other person to reduce the weight you are experiencing?
• If there’s been a reduction in the weight you have been experiencing as you ponder these questions, how heavy is it now as compared to before (in response to question 2)? Why is the weight now lower if it is? Or, if it feels higher what made it so?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

I don’t know about you but, I expect you share this experience. There are disputes I look back on and I wished I’d had the courage to step up to say what was on my mind. Then, there are those other occasions when I wish I had kept my mouth shut! In either case, I have considered that we also need compassion and dignity and self-respect to manage these situations well – whether to stand up or sit down reflects the most prudent choice.

I agree with the quote though – it takes courage to do both! And the period of time to decide on which approach serves us and the other person best happens in a nanosecond. That split second requires us to refrain from reacting so that our responses ultimately come from a place that reflects the way we want our courage (and other signs of conflict mastery) to be manifested in that instant and instance.

Deciding  to stand up for ourselves and others  and express our truth with courage, or listen before responding and possibly not weighing in at all are choices we have in all our disputes. For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you consider a dispute about which you would like to explore these choices as you answer the following questions.

• What was the dispute about?
• When you look back, and consider the quote under the title of this blog, what was the choice you decided on – to speak or sit down?
• How did you choose that response?
• In what ways was it a good choice?
• In what ways might the other choice have more prudent?
• What makes it challenging for you to speak up if that’s the case- in general?
• What makes it challenging for you to sit down and listen if that’s the case- in general?
• If you had it to do this interaction again what else might you have said or done?
• What difference might that have made?
• Going forward, how might you decide which approach best suits the situation, the other person and you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“You can forgive some people without welcoming them back into your life. Apology accepted, access denied.” Unknown

This quote really hit me when I saw it. It had me thinking about the range of responses my conflict management coaching clients express on their journeys to reconcile their interpersonal disputes. And I have been there, too. It’s those mixed feelings about wanting to get over the dissension and hard feelings about someone with whom we have had a conflict. It’s about how to get on with life without the negative aftermath that sometimes comes when we wonder about the relationship and whether we really want to continue it because of what was said or done. Or, we ponder what we want to say that hasn’t been expressed and whether to proceed to do so. We may be consumed with these and other thoughts and feelings that leaves us feeling that the conflict remains unfinished and we don’t know whether or how to forgive.

The fact is, there is no rule that says we must forgive. Some things are simply unforgivable. There is no rule either that we must maintain the relationship when what we liked about the person and the relationship now feels devoid of that, when our attachment to the person is fraying or torn apart, when we experienced something about the other person that surprised and hurt us, when our hearts are heavy with hurt, and the weight of it drags us down.

While, in many cases,  we might feel we want to continue the relationship after a disagreement appears to be resolved – especially with long term relationships. I wonder if, in some cases, that’s one of those ‘shoulds’ that sounds like the ‘right’ thing to do but is fraught with problems. Maybe, we need to think twice about whether all relationships need to continue when the hurt is deep, when the challenge to our values is egregious, when we cannot honestly look past the words or actions that affected us so deeply that we continue to ask ourselves the question – do I want to still have this person in my life?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following series of questions to take a deeper look at an interpersonal dispute that continues to bother you and you are wondering – “I’ll accept their apology, but I no longer want them in my life.”

• What was the dispute about?
• What did the other person say or do that you are now wondering whether you want to continue the relationship?
• What was it about the person’s statement or action that remains especially hard for you to accept (or understand, tolerate etc.)?
• What was most unforgivable of all things you just expressed in response to the previous question?
• How did you react at the time of the dispute?
• How might you describe your feelings now about what occurred?
• What could the person say or do that you would accept as an apology, if anything?
• If you think that you can accept the apology but no longer want the relationship, how does that feel for you to consider that option?
• What will you gain if  “access is denied” (as per the quote above)?
• What might you think you would lose if  “access is denied”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?