This quote by Mark Twain “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please” is the focus of this week’s blog.

It is a quote that makes me smile in my work as a conflict management coach – and well, personally too! Over 20 years ago, when developing a coaching model for supporting people in their efforts to engage more effectively in their interpersonal conflicts, it became evident that many people distort what transpired in a dispute between them and another person. Mostly, it is done in self-serving ways! What they wish they said gets mushed with what they actually said; what they assumed about the other person and their intentions seems to become fact; what the other person is purported to say isn’t really what they said but what was interpreted, and so on.

Though I have found that clients’ discussions about their conflicts typically start off missing some the true facts, that initial version does shift to what occurred. That is, with deep listening, lack of judgment, a safe space, and support clients tend to emotionally settle, gain perspective, and step back into a more objective frame of mind. So, contrary to Mark Twain’s quote, I find it is more often the case that when clients stand back from the emotion and stories they tell themselves they are more likely to share the facts of their stories more truthfully and openly. This obviously applies to us and our relational disputes, too.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to take a close look at one of your disputes to check out its veracity:

• What happened in the conflict you have in mind?
• What, if anything, are you reluctant to share about this interaction? What is that reluctance about, if applicable?
• For what reasons were you angry at the other person? What other words might you use other than angry to describe your feelings at the time?
• What do you wish you said that you didn’t?
• How would you handle this interaction differently if you had it to do again?
• Looking back, what might you have distorted at the time – basing your interpretation more on what you perceived  – not necessarily what the other person said or meant?
• How would the other person’s version of what happened, in the first place, differ from yours?
• For what was the other person angry at that you said or did?  As far as you can tell,  other words might the other person use to describe how they observed/experienced you?
• What makes you saddest about what occurred now that you look back at it?
• What distortions of the conflict happened between you that need to be rectified before moving on?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“Know your worth. You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.” Tene Edwards

• I find this a poignant quote. There’s only so much any of us can or want to tolerate when we don’t feel respected. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog speaks to this as it pertains to being in conflict. That is, our level of toleration varies in conflict depending on a number of variables, including whom the conflict is with and what it is about?

  Generally, most of us do not want to put up with words and actions that result in us feeling vulnerable, threatened, experiencing ongoing tension, being undermined, hurt and upset, feeling ‘lesser than’ and other outcomes that can occur from being engaged  in destructive conflict.

  At these times – when the conflict dynamics threaten our self-worth – many of us lose track of ourselves and our strengths. Self-limiting beliefs might kick in; we may lose faith in ourselves and underestimate our strengths; we may feel powerless; and we might lose courage to stand up for ourselves or our values and our needs.  Maintaining and gaining strength at these times is often difficult and we forget we have a choice to walk away – with our dignity and self-respect. This blog invites you to unpack an interpersonal dispute and consider when and how to leave the table because respect is no longer being served.

  What is the dispute about?

  In what ways is the other person undermining and disrespecting you?

  About what in this dynamic are you feeling strong?

  About what are you feeling least strong in this dispute?

  What did you think about yourself before this conflict with respect to your relationship with the other person? Your relationship with yourself?

  What about now – taking the above questions to the present?

  What does ‘leaving the table’ mean to you as one of your choices regarding this dispute? What other meanings may apply?

• If you hadn’t already included ‘leaving the table’ as one of your choices, what now makes that a possibility?

  What scares you about the possibility of leaving the table as you define it?

• In what ways might you muster your courage to ‘leave the table’?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

I laughed when I read this quote by Erma Bombeck! Even though it’s hard to consider guilt a gift, I have come to see how it can be when it comes to learning about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves when encountering interpersonal conflicts.

Though I’m a conflict specialist, having worked in the field of conflict management for over 30 years, I admit I don’t always manage my own conflicts as well as I could! For example, I sometimes experience guilt about things I said that I cannot take back. Or I might not own my part of the conflict – not recognizing my part till I have let go of blame. Or I might not be totally honest with the other person, for fear of hurting them. I hear these sorts of sentiments and more from my clients, too – leading to ongoing feelings, of all sorts, including guilt.

How are these feelings of guilt a gift? I’ve come to think of them personally and professionally as important lessons about what to do differently next time. And what to work on to prevent unnecessary conflict, to prevent hurting someone else and to prevent hurting ourselves. Guilt is a reminder that we contribute to the disputes we are involved in – even if we remain silent, even if we apologize, even if we forgive and so on. Essentially then, guilt puts up signposts for us to learn from including how to engage more effectively in our relational conflicts going forward. Guilt also holds up signposts that reflect a need to apologize, to clear the air, to move forward less encumbered by negative feelings and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog then, discusses some ways guilt shows up for you and how it’s a gift that keeps on giving even though you might not consider guilt a gift!! The following questions are most helpful if you consider a dispute about which you are continuing to feel guilt.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that is causing you to feel guilty?
• What prompted you to say or do that which resulted in those feelings of guilt?
• What emotions were you experiencing at the time of the incident?
• What reaction from the other person seemed to have added to your guilt ?
• What do you wish you had said or done instead? What do you suppose kept you from these alternate ideas of what you could have said or done?
• What did you learn, if anything,  from your reaction and feelings of guilt?
• What other gifts have you gained – besides what you just answered (in the previous question)  about what you learned from your reactions and feelings of guilt?
• How will the gifts you gained in this situation positively impact you in future disputes?
• How then has guilt in this situation been a gift that keeps on giving?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It’s not the first time this blog has written about a common reaction to being in conflict – looking behind us at what happened or didn’t happen, wishing we had said or done something differently, continually blaming ourselves or the other person for things we cannot take back and so on. There are so many reasons for this.

Guilt, shame, hurt, anger, recrimination, unreconciled feelings, unfinished and unresolved issues – are just a few reasons that can get in the way of moving forward. Indeed, these and other lingering experiences of the dissension keep us in the fray and in our unresolved feelings.

The challenge that results from looking back is, of course, we can neither change nor undo what happened- what we said or did – nor, can we change what the other person said or did. Nor, can the other person change their part in the dispute and their experience. It’s often very hard to accept this and for many there remains some ongoing hope that by looking back –revisiting the dispute – there will be a way that we can change what happened and the outcome.

Going forward might mean being able to forgive ourselves for what we wished we’d said or done differently and not looking back as though we can change things. Going forward – it is also a good idea to consider what we gained from the unresolved and unreconciled dispute – to learn from what occurred or didn’t occur and consider ways to manage ourselves and the conflict dynamic if the same sort of situation erupts in the future.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict about which you are looking back.

• What happened? What are you looking back at?
• What’s compelling you to look back?
• What are you seeing back there?
• What is it you are wanting to gain from looking back that you don’t have?
• What do you think you can change about what occurred? How?
• What would you like the other person to know that you think they don’t?
• What do you want to know that the other person might be able to tell you?
• What question did you not ask the other person? Or would you like to ask them now?
• What answers do you want to hear (in response to the above questions)?
• What do you need or want to be able to look forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

Giving up on a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you are weak. It might very well mean you are strong enough to admit it and let go.

Over the many years that I’ve been a conflict management coach, many clients express sentiments that reflect self-undermining about their decision to stop fighting with someone and even end the relationship. These are often times they feel beleaguered by their interpersonal conflicts and no longer able to or wanting to assert their perspective and ‘fight the fight’ . They are typically full of self-blame and shame. And they have often reached their level of tolerance with the dynamic between them and another person.

Even using the words – ‘I am giving up’ is often accompanied by expressions of defeat by those who deem themselves as weak, unable to cope, and otherwise, using terms that reflect a perceived inability to assert their perspective, and gain what they want or need. Whether this self perception is due to ego driven factors, conditioning, societal pressure, or other reasons I find that many clients who use this term do not typically see themselves as strong for stopping the drama. Rather they often consider that letting go of the conflict and their position as weakness when it is really, they are demonstrating a sign of strength.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider your answers to the following questions regarding a conflict about which you are considering giving up.

• What is the situation about?
• What is your perspective that you are asserting (or want to assert)?
• What is the other person’s perspective, as far as you know?
• What about your perspective makes it right for you?
• What makes your perspective wrong for the other person?
• For what other reasons is the other person strongly holding on to their perspective ?
• How much does it matter to you on a scale of 1-10 to convince the other person to see things your way – 10 being very much and 1 being not at all?
• If you let go, what do you feel you would be giving up ?
• If the other person gave up what would that be like for you?
• What is weak about giving up this conflict for you?
• If you were to give up how might that be seen as a sign of strength?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?