A meme with this saying on it came up one day on my Instagram feed and I was struck by my reaction to how this message was conveyed – so vividly. It isn’t a new message to those of us who work in the field of conflict management and other disciplines who work with people in emotional pain about the internal and external conflicts they bring to us that have their roots from childhood experiences. And it won’t be a new message to those who have experienced traumas in their personal or professional lives.  And it won’t be a new message to those of us who reflect on repeated behaviours that do not serve us well ourselves, and we realize we are repeating unhealthy patterns that have become part of how we cope with conflict.

It is common for many of us to carry around unresolved hurts from broken family or personal and professional  relationships, childhood or adult trauma, unreconciled issues from our upbringing and so on, if we have not had help to do the work of healing. The experiences that stay with us – that we continue to hold onto and play out – are ones that show up in a range of ways that can be destructive and impede our ability to maintain healthy relationships with some people. We may react to and treat these people from this negative frame of reference though the same dynamics do not necessarily apply.

To do the work properly it usually requires psychotherapeutic interventions. And by seeking help we are better able to gain perspective and find ways to move forward without repeating the same patterns. One of those patterns may be to find fault with the person in front of us in certain situations when in fact, the challenges we are facing stem from past relationships and experiences that remain unresolved, unhealed, painful.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog focuses on an interpersonal dispute in which you are or have engaged – one in which you think or know your reaction was not specific to the other person and the dynamic between you. Rather, your way of defending yourself and reacting reflected old wounds that remain unhealed. To do so I suggest you bring to mind a recent interpersonal dispute in which you know you bled on the person who didn’t cut you. NOTE: This blog and its questions are not a psychotherapeutic intervention by any means. It is a way to develop some insights you may not already have.

• What is the recent interpersonal dispute about?
• In what ways did this situation raise old issues for you?
• What specifically are those issues (if you didn’t name them in response to the above question)?
• In what ways did you bleed on the other person that is related to the old wound? How did the person respond?
• How did past unresolved thoughts about the person in your old situation impact how you thought about the person in the more current dispute?
• What unresolved feelings about the other person also leaked into this more current dispute as to how you perceive the other person?
• What behaviours, reactions etc. do you know, with some confidence, that you are repeating?
• What don’t you understand as yet about how and why you are repeating a pattern that doesn’t work for you? What do you understand with some certainty about the repeated pattern?
• What do you think needs to be healed?
• How will you go about the healing process?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Just a few things I wish for: that world peace and climate control are truly possible (and that leaders around the world work together to make it happen), that people are kinder to one another, that leftover fries taste just as good warmed up, that pets live longer – and, well, I could go on. Sounds fanciful, right? One of my other wishes – more pertinent to this Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog – is that we learn, beginning as toddlers, how to interact in healthy ways when there is conflict between us and other people and that we accept that interpersonal disputes are a normal and inevitable part of our lives.

My conflict management coaching practice is full of clients wanting to do conflict better and I know many friends and family members who also report this desire. I, like you I expect, am a life-long learner – trying to be better at many things including how to engage effectively in conflict- with competence and confidence! I acknowledge it’s hard and that being better at conflict – doing it well – requires us to know how and when to stand up, when and how to stand down, how to respond from a place that shows self-awareness, compassion, self-respect, kindness, honesty, dignity,  and a willingness to hear and connect about our differences.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog challenges you to consider how you would like to do better when it comes to engaging in conflict. To do so, I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute you know you didn’t do very well.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do in that conflict that you realize was not very effective, kind, smart, compassionate, etc.?
• What impact did you observe or hear regarding the other person’s experience of what you said or did?
• Thinking about it now, what specifically would you have said or done differently if you had it to do over again?
• If a close and caring friend observed you in that conflict about what might they be surprised (disappointed) considering how you interacted?
• What makes being more effective in conflict most difficult for you?
• What are 5 things you would like the people with whom you are in conflict say about how you engage in it i.e., what characteristics would you like them to attribute to you?  What would you like to be able to say about yourself and how you engage in conflict that reflects the better version of you?
• In what ways are your answers different in the two previous questions if they are?
• What would it take for you to think more highly of yourself when it comes to how you engage in conflict?
• Looking back on the same dispute you started with here (first question) what are the three learnings you have gained from answering the questions here so far?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Recently, a colleague asked whether I think my clients want to resolve or solve things when they come for conflict management coaching. I found that a very interesting question and pondered about the differences and how they show up. And then, I thought more about what I would say in response to the question. I would say that most of my clients want both solution and resolution but, mostly resolution.

The main difference between solve and resolve, according to one source, is that solve usually refers to the process of finding a correct answer to the problem. Resolve refers to bringing the problem to an end or conclusion. There is no set answer for resolving a problem, but there is for solving a problem. This is an important distinction to consider especially when two people dispute about their differing views about what they want to have happen – solve, resolve or both. I am thinking it’s worth exploring with my clients what is most important to them and why.

As I thought about this further I realize when we are involved in an interpersonal dispute it isn’t necessarily straightforward to distinguish whether both of us want to revolve things or solve the issues or both. It may be that one of us wants to solve things and the other to resolve them – whether or not the issues are solved. That is, for some, the best case scenario might be that the problem ends and being solved isn’t as important as the dissension ending (even though the issues remain unresolved). For instance, we could agree to disagree, or conclude there isn’t a mutually satisfactory solution. We might decide the problem isn’t serious enough to warrant continuing debate and hard feelings that appear to be irreconcilable. We may decide to relent to the solution the other person wants and figure out a way to have some inner reconciliation to be able to move on and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute – one about which you are aware one of you  wants resolution and the other wants solution.

• What is the dispute about?
• What are the main issues in dispute?
• What do you want as an outcome?
• What is preferable for you – to solve or resolve or to both solve and resolve this dispute?
• Why do you want to solve it or why do you want to resolve it? Or, why do you want to both solve and resolve the dispute?If you want the issues solved and resolved what would a good resolution be in your view?
• What might the other person say the main issues in dispute are from their perspective?
• Which do you suppose that person is aiming for – to solve or resolve things? Or, solve and resolve? Why do you say that (your answer here)?
• What might the other person view as a way to resolve things?
• Where are the two of you farthest part when it comes to solving and resolving things? Where are the two of you closest?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

When I think about several of my close relationships that have broken down it seems that one of the main reasons has been due to the loss of trust- demonstrated in all sort of ways. This might be your experience, too. And, if so, you have likely found this to be a very sad realization that a strong connection you have valued deeply is deeply broken. This is whether the interpersonal relationship is with a partner, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a boss and so on. No matter who it is or in what ways the betrayal is enacted by the other person the hurt is profound and the schism is irreparable.

Though loss of trust might end the relationship altogether, there are situations in which we try our best to rectify things, to look beyond the loss, to make excuses, to try to forgive, to rationalize, to take responsibility and a myriad of other ways we might cope and try to move on. However, for many the loss is too hard to reconcile and even when, for all intents and purposes, we might make amends it is often the case that things are different from it was and remain irreconcilable at some level of our consciousness. We may even continue to reel from the person’s actions that cut us so deeply; we might remain or become increasingly suspicious about the other’s honesty; we may develop grudges that taint our interactions with the person; we may blame ourselves and wonder about our naivety, lack of judgement, awareness; we may mourn the loss indefinitely and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict in which someone broke your trust:

• What was the situation including what the other person said or did that broke the trust between you?
• How would you describe the impact on you at the time?
• How did you handle this situation when you faced that trust was broken?
• How are handling the situation in the present?
• What’s the same about the relationship? What’s different if it is continuing?
• What do you wish you had said to the other person that you didn’t?
• In what ways are you blaming yourself if you are? If you are blaming yourself in these ways (these ways), what do you think you are gaining from doing so?
• What are you doing about the situation and relationship now?
• What might moving forward look like/be i.e., away from the relationship, in the relationship but with some caveats etc.)
• What might help you move forward in the way you would describe?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“You just need enough bravery for the next step, not the whole staircase”

Avoidance is one of the many styles we have to choose from when it comes to our relational disputes. As with other styles we have come to learn and use, for whatever reasons we do so, they become habitual and changing them is a huge challenge.

The reality is that avoiding conflict is one of the most common methods for managing conflict and having this pattern may mean, among other things, we let our fears take over. It may mean not speaking out and expressing our feelings and our truths. It may mean we are afraid to confront the other person for their bad behaviour – afraid to stand up for ourselves. Further, we may fear a backlash (we imagine or know could happen from previous experience) we cannot control or want to deal with. Our fears prevail – fears of alienating and upsetting the other person beyond repair, fears of saying things we will forever regret, fears of having to deal with the unsettled and prolonged reactions – ours and theirs, fears about not trusting ourselves, and so on. These and other fears keep us from feeling brave and addressing the issues in dispute and its impact on us and the relationship*.

What happens to many of us when we consider raising an issue with another person or when we feel stung by what they have said or done is that we want things to get resolved and for things to be better as soon as possible.  We want the other person to understand what we are asking for, saying or disputing without things negatively escalating between us. The pathway of getting through and then, past what occurred in our disputes feels onerous at these times and we experience a range of physical and emotional reactions which are difficult to navigate. We do not feel strong and courageous.

*(I am not talking here about the experiences and fears of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Rather, this blog and other Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blogs are about interpersonal disputes i.e. arguments  and other interactions where we and another person (or persons) are sparring about issues important to us – not including abusive behaviours. Some of us may, of course, experience the interactions as abusive and some of the questions below may not apply.)

This week’s blog considers the little steps it takes – one by one – to move forward in these sorts of situations. I suggest you bring to mind a situation you want to address with the other person and you are feeling fearful about doing so as you answer the following questions.

• What is the situation that is causing you concern?
• About what are you most fearful?
• Which of those fears are least likely to happen? Which of those fears are most likely to happen?
• What are the main issues in dispute for you? What do you think the main issues are for the other person?
• What’s most important to you regarding this dispute?
• What outcome might the other person want?  What makes that important to them?
• What will you stay away from saying?  What will you say if you get provoked that will help you get through this? What other intentions may you set before proceeding?
• How do you want to “be” throughout this to remain conscious of what is important to you?
• What is the first step you might consider before you approach the other person about the situation if you decide to proceed? What other steps might you need to take before you feel ready to raise the issue?
• To feel brave about taking the first step what do you need to tell yourself? What do you want to be thinking about your courage to make it a reality? What would it take to take the next steps?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)