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ConflictMastery Quest(ions)

Posted on July 14, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

The reflective questions posed each week may be ones you want to consider for yourself in your efforts to strengthen your own conflict mastery. Or, they may be ones you ask the people you are assisting to help them gain increased self-awareness and other perspectives on themselves, the other person and their conflict situations regarding the specific topic posted. In either case, we invite you to add your ideas for other questions and provide comments.

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | 7 Comments

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I was fairly young when I first heard the idiom ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’. It was one of my mother’s pearls of wisdom. Her name was Pearle and so, she took her name seriously by dispensing precious lessons on life with short homilies and expressions.

I recall this particular one was said to me when I wanted something from my cousin and after a few attempts at asking nicely, I gave up and became more demanding. I can still hear my mother making this statement and me discovering, this time and others, that using a sweet approach rather than a sour one works most of the time.

Recently I looked up the meaning of the metaphor – ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’ – and not surprisingly the description is as follows: “Flies represent anything you want to achieve. Honey (sweet) represents anything pleasant that you do to get what you want. Vinegar (sour) represents anything unpleasant that you do to get what you want. It tells you to use nice methods rather than unkind methods in dealing with other people.”

Though I have never been overly fond of the word ‘nice’, I understand the lesson made by differentiating the use of honey and vinegar in this idiom and the difference it makes to a conflict whether we are nice or not. This expression is pertinent to this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, for which readers are asked to consider the queries below as they relate to a conflict in which you used honey and/or vinegar:

  • In what way(s) did you use honey in that conflict? (What was ‘nice’ about this approach?)
  • What happened as a consequence of using honey?
  • In what way(s) did you use vinegar? (How was that approach ‘unkind’?)
  • What happened as a consequence of using vinegar?
  • How would you describe the specific flies you caught with the honey you used?
  • What specific flies did you ‘catch’ with the vinegar you used?
  • What flies didn’t you ‘catch’ with the honey or vinegar that you wanted to?
  • How would you describe the impact on the other person when you used honey? When you used vinegar?
  • When someone has used honey with you, how have you experienced that? When they used vinegar?
  • What lessons occur to you about the expression ‘you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar’?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Conflict Resilience

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The aftermath of conflict is fraught with ongoing tension for many. Even when a situation is resolved, it is common that residual feelings and thoughts prevail. Hurt, anger, disappointment, and other emotions that linger reflect unresolved needs for which blame and criticism and other negative reactions may remain. Some people are plagued by wish-statements like: “I wish I had said…”; or “I wish I hadn’t…” Sometimes, the afterthought and feelings overwhelm and preclude any semblance of resolution or reconciliation that had appeared as outcomes.

A questionnaire CINERGY® designed on the subject of resilience provides a self-assessment on this subject. It is called the Conflict Resilience Quotient (CRQ) and this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to check out your conflict resilience by completing the form below.

 

After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to: Less  More

True True

Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize or stay preoccupied about what the other person said or did that offended me. 1  2  3  4  5
Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other person and what s/he said or did. Or if I am not ready to forgive yet, I don’t let the interaction weigh me down. 1  2  3  4  5
Reflect on what I learned from the conflict that will help me manage future disagreements. 1  2  3  4  5
Reach out to make amends with the other person, or talk out and clarify our differences. 1  2  3  4  5
Take responsibility for my part of the conflict and consider what I may have done differently. 1  2  3  4  5
Not share my side of the situation with others in self-serving and distorted ways. 1  2  3  4  5
Feel hopeful that things will be better and consider how I will try to contribute positively to this happening. 1  2  3  4  5
Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel sorry for myself. 1  2  3  4  5
Not continue to perceive the other person in negative ways. 1  2  3  4  5
Not gossip about and bad-mouth the other person to others. 1  2  3  4  5
Identify what may have been important to the other person that I did not realize before. 1  2  3  4  5
Apologize for my part of the conflict. 1  2  3  4  5
Have a better appreciation for and understanding of the other person’s perspective on the issues, even if I don’t agree with it. 1  2  3  4  5
Not criticize, blame myself or engage in other self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or said (or didn’t say or do). 1  2  3  4  5
Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he did or said (or didn’t say or do). 1  2  3  4  5
Total:

Scoring Key

15-39      Hmmm…I guess you already know you are not conflict resilient and coaching is highly recommended.

40-54      Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict coaching is recommended.

55-69      You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more.

70-75      You are definitely conflict resilient!

 

Feel free to share you further thoughts regarding what constitutes resilience when it comes to conflict in the Comment section below.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Resilience | 4 Comments

Speaking Up

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that leads to conflict – at least inner conflict – is when we seem to lose the ability to speak up, voice our needs, express our feelings, defend our perspective, and so on. This may have to do with the fear of conflict and ironically, can easily result in unnecessary discord and tension – at least internally.

There may be some situations and people that are more challenging than others that seem to preclude the wherewithal to speak up. Or, for some speaking up does not come easily, under any or most circumstances. In any case, interpersonal conflict can be a time when self-limiting beliefs and behaviours go into high gear for some people and their confidence plummets along with self-esteem.

For this week’s blog, please consider a situation in which you are not speaking up, to be able to put the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) within that context:

  • Firstly, what does the expression ‘speaking up’ mean to you?
  • What is the particular situation you have in mind in which you are not speaking up?
  • What are the main messages that you would express, if you did speak up?
  • What is most important to you about conveying that (those) message(s)?
  • What is keeping you from speaking up?
  • What is the best case scenario if you convey the message you want?
  • In your view, what best describes the opposite of speaking up?
  • If you were to overcome whatever is keeping you from speaking up, how would that be for you?
  • How would you describe the opportunities that speaking up will make more possible?
  • How would you feel if you spoke up and your message got across?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Reactions | 4 Comments

Bottling Things Up

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens when an interpersonal conflict begins to brew is a need to decide whether or not to raise the issue, concern, etc. with the other person. And how and when to do so, if that is the choice we make. This conundrum is often complicated for those who have a tendency to ‘bottle things up’ which essentially translates into containing thoughts and feelings and a hesitancy to share what is happening.

Let’s take the imagery of bottling things up a little further by picturing the bottle. To start with – depending on the situation and the person – we may view what’s in the bottle as inconsequential. This may mean we see some stuff in it, but not much to fuss about. As thoughts and feelings begin to grow – due to repeated and noxious interactions with the other person – picture the bottle becoming fuller of stuff that is murky and not very appetizing. When this occurs, it becomes more evident to us, and likely the other person, that we are bottling things up. For instance, we may look and feel as though we are on the brink of overflowing.

This week’s blog asks readers to consider a situation in which this metaphor applies to you when answering these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • If you are inclined to bottle things up, how do you describe that tendency?
  • What specific emotions are you are bottling up about a situation you have in mind?
  • What percentage of the bottle is consumed with these negative feelings?
  • What thoughts are you bottling up?
  • What percentage of the bottle is consumed with your negative thoughts?
  • What may cause the feelings and thoughts in the bottle to overflow?
  • What could you say or do to reduce your negative emotions about the situation or other person that would be helpful? What could you say or do to reduce your negative thoughts?
  • What would you pour out first if you were to intentionally tip the bottle?
  • When you ultimately empty the bottle, what will that be and feel like?
  • When you begin to bottle things up at a future time, what may you do differently if you don’t want to do so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Rage is a Four-Letter Word

Posted on April 16, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Rage is a word that describes a strong emotion that sometimes evolves when we are in conflict. It is not necessarily an immediate reaction. Rather, it is one that often signals an escalation of feelings such as anger and hurt about a person and/or an issue. The build-up erupts into a state of being furious, incensed, and out of control of our words, thoughts, and emotions.

This week’s blog considers that rage, like some other ‘four-letter words’ stated fiercely, is an extreme reaction. The evolution of emotions that becomes rage often seems to be a consequence of continuing disagreement in which issues that are important to us are not being resolved. This is usually accompanied by a sense that our needs, hopes, and expectations are not going to be met. I also think rage arises when we perceive and fear that our deep-felt beliefs, values, and feelings are being ignored.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you became enraged in conflict or experienced someone else’s rage.

  • Generally, how do you describe what happens to you when you become enraged?
  • What are the specific feelings you are experiencing at these times?
  • Considering a specific incident when you became enraged, how do you describe your reaction at that particular time?
  • What was the result of your reaction – for you? The other person?
  • What was clear to you about what led to your reaction? What wasn’t clear?
  • How did the other person react to your rage?
  • When you have experienced another person’s rage at you, how did you react internally? Externally?
  • In that case, what did you understand about the other person or the situation that you hadn’t before she or he raged at you? What became less clear?
  • If you want to change a rage reaction (your own) from erupting in the future, what may you do differently?
  • What may you do differently in the future in response to someone who reacts to you in rage?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Out of Control, Reactions | Leave a comment