I laughed when I read this quote by Erma Bombeck! Even though it’s hard to consider guilt a gift, I have come to see how it can be when it comes to learning about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves when encountering interpersonal conflicts.

Though I’m a conflict specialist, having worked in the field of conflict management for over 30 years, I admit I don’t always manage my own conflicts as well as I could! For example, I sometimes experience guilt about things I said that I cannot take back. Or I might not own my part of the conflict – not recognizing my part till I have let go of blame. Or I might not be totally honest with the other person, for fear of hurting them. I hear these sorts of sentiments and more from my clients, too – leading to ongoing feelings, of all sorts, including guilt.

How are these feelings of guilt a gift? I’ve come to think of them personally and professionally as important lessons about what to do differently next time. And what to work on to prevent unnecessary conflict, to prevent hurting someone else and to prevent hurting ourselves. Guilt is a reminder that we contribute to the disputes we are involved in – even if we remain silent, even if we apologize, even if we forgive and so on. Essentially then, guilt puts up signposts for us to learn from including how to engage more effectively in our relational conflicts going forward. Guilt also holds up signposts that reflect a need to apologize, to clear the air, to move forward less encumbered by negative feelings and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog then, discusses some ways guilt shows up for you and how it’s a gift that keeps on giving even though you might not consider guilt a gift!! The following questions are most helpful if you consider a dispute about which you are continuing to feel guilt.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that is causing you to feel guilty?
• What prompted you to say or do that which resulted in those feelings of guilt?
• What emotions were you experiencing at the time of the incident?
• What reaction from the other person seemed to have added to your guilt ?
• What do you wish you had said or done instead? What do you suppose kept you from these alternate ideas of what you could have said or done?
• What did you learn, if anything,  from your reaction and feelings of guilt?
• What other gifts have you gained – besides what you just answered (in the previous question)  about what you learned from your reactions and feelings of guilt?
• How will the gifts you gained in this situation positively impact you in future disputes?
• How then has guilt in this situation been a gift that keeps on giving?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It’s not the first time this blog has written about a common reaction to being in conflict – looking behind us at what happened or didn’t happen, wishing we had said or done something differently, continually blaming ourselves or the other person for things we cannot take back and so on. There are so many reasons for this.

Guilt, shame, hurt, anger, recrimination, unreconciled feelings, unfinished and unresolved issues – are just a few reasons that can get in the way of moving forward. Indeed, these and other lingering experiences of the dissension keep us in the fray and in our unresolved feelings.

The challenge that results from looking back is, of course, we can neither change nor undo what happened- what we said or did – nor, can we change what the other person said or did. Nor, can the other person change their part in the dispute and their experience. It’s often very hard to accept this and for many there remains some ongoing hope that by looking back –revisiting the dispute – there will be a way that we can change what happened and the outcome.

Going forward might mean being able to forgive ourselves for what we wished we’d said or done differently and not looking back as though we can change things. Going forward – it is also a good idea to consider what we gained from the unresolved and unreconciled dispute – to learn from what occurred or didn’t occur and consider ways to manage ourselves and the conflict dynamic if the same sort of situation erupts in the future.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict about which you are looking back.

• What happened? What are you looking back at?
• What’s compelling you to look back?
• What are you seeing back there?
• What is it you are wanting to gain from looking back that you don’t have?
• What do you think you can change about what occurred? How?
• What would you like the other person to know that you think they don’t?
• What do you want to know that the other person might be able to tell you?
• What question did you not ask the other person? Or would you like to ask them now?
• What answers do you want to hear (in response to the above questions)?
• What do you need or want to be able to look forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

Giving up on a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you are weak. It might very well mean you are strong enough to admit it and let go.

Over the many years that I’ve been a conflict management coach, many clients express sentiments that reflect self-undermining about their decision to stop fighting with someone and even end the relationship. These are often times they feel beleaguered by their interpersonal conflicts and no longer able to or wanting to assert their perspective and ‘fight the fight’ . They are typically full of self-blame and shame. And they have often reached their level of tolerance with the dynamic between them and another person.

Even using the words – ‘I am giving up’ is often accompanied by expressions of defeat by those who deem themselves as weak, unable to cope, and otherwise, using terms that reflect a perceived inability to assert their perspective, and gain what they want or need. Whether this self perception is due to ego driven factors, conditioning, societal pressure, or other reasons I find that many clients who use this term do not typically see themselves as strong for stopping the drama. Rather they often consider that letting go of the conflict and their position as weakness when it is really, they are demonstrating a sign of strength.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider your answers to the following questions regarding a conflict about which you are considering giving up.

• What is the situation about?
• What is your perspective that you are asserting (or want to assert)?
• What is the other person’s perspective, as far as you know?
• What about your perspective makes it right for you?
• What makes your perspective wrong for the other person?
• For what other reasons is the other person strongly holding on to their perspective ?
• How much does it matter to you on a scale of 1-10 to convince the other person to see things your way – 10 being very much and 1 being not at all?
• If you let go, what do you feel you would be giving up ?
• If the other person gave up what would that be like for you?
• What is weak about giving up this conflict for you?
• If you were to give up how might that be seen as a sign of strength?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“We have war when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants peace.” Jeane Kirkpatrick

I find this to be an interesting quote and though it does not necessarily apply to all sorts of conflicts it applies to interpersonal ‘wars’ in many cases. Our interpretation of how this sentence applies to an interpersonal dispute when one of us refuses to settle our differences and reach a mutually acceptable resolution is important to consider. Is it because, for instance, that we don’t share ideas on what constitutes peace?

In pondering this further, it’s worth considering that peace takes on various forms in our relational disputes. That is, for many, examples of peace include an end to the fighting, an apology, a ‘break up’, an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, an admission, acceptance of the other person’s perspective, an offer to settle the matter, taking ownership of ‘bad behaviour’, a promise to comply or try not to repeat the offensive ways of communicating. Knowing what we feel is a peaceful resolution and determining what the other person wants then, are critical for deciding whether either or both will be able to reach the peace they want.

When you think about a situation you are currently in or you have been in, there might be scenarios for which reconciling differences isn’t a shared goal – one that gives peace to you and the other person. This could be for various reasons including different definitions of what constitutes peace, and an internal war between thoughts and feelings about what will be best,  feel best, and even look best going forward. The dissonance alone can create internal war and external manifestation of what we are experiencing. Further, though it may be that the dispute has no peaceful resolution that is mutually acceptable. This is a reality that warrants consideration when determining whether our internal war necessarily leads to interpersonal peace.

This Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an ongoing ‘war’ you are experiencing with another person as you answer these questions:

• What is the ‘war’ about from your perspective?
• What do you think led to the start of the ‘war’?
• What is the internal war you are experiencing -in your heart and thoughts – about the other person? About what they said or did?
• If you want there to be peace, what would that look like (be like, feel like) for you?
• If you don’t necessarily want peace between you and the other person, what are the reasons? What do you want instead?
• What do you think it would take to gain peace between you and the other person if you want it?
• What might  the other person explain the ‘war’ between you?
• What might their internal war be about, as far as you know or can perceive ?
• If the other person does not want peace, what reasons might there be, from what you can tell/know?
• If the other person wants peace between you, what do you think they hope you will say or do to lean the dispute between you in that direction?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

When we are provoked by something someone says or does there is a moment of choice when we could mess things up or we could save them from messing up!

How to respond – rather than react – at these times is a choice, though it doesn’t necessarily feel like that. Our gut instincts, our heart and emotions, our mind, our bodies, our faces get engaged in some way or another and our sense of reason gets lost as we express our reaction in any number of ways.  Essentially, when we become embroiled in the emotional reaction we are experiencing and our sense of reason is compromised we do not typically consider we have a choice but to react spontaneously – often to our detriment – but, not always.

Let’s consider the good, the bad and the ugly of reacting quickly. The good thing is,our strong and first reactions may be the most honest ones.  They might best reflect the degree of hurt we are experiencing about the other’s offensive behaviour.  It might say – literally – what needs to get said that we have till now hesitated to express. These and other reasons support reacting with whatever comes to us!

And then there are those not so good reasons to react in the moment we are offended. One of the reasons is we may have misinterpreted what was said. We may not hear through what is happening for the other person that is important to them. We may not hear something that would be good for us and the relationship. We may cause the other person extreme hurt – with a quick unthoughtout reaction – and cause prolonged dissension.

Then, to name a few uglies – we might have missed the point and escalate a dynamic to ridiculous heights. We may be reacting to historical provocations that are unrelated to the dynamic between us and the other person. Another possibility is we might act and speak in such a strong and destructive way that the relationship ends altogether. We may agonize for a long period afterwards and experience ongoing and unreconcilable shame and self-blame and regret.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the choices you had about an interpersonal dispute in which you reacted quickly (this is a dispute  you already experienced and are revisiting to consider the good and the bad and the ugly of it) .

• What was that dispute about?
• To what did you strongly react?
• How would you describe your reaction?
• What do you consider good about your reaction at the time?
• What do you consider bad about your reaction?
• What was ugly about your reaction?
• At what point did you have a choice in how to react?
• What reasons do you suppose you chose that reaction at the time?
• If you think you didn’t have a choice why would that be the case?
• If you had to do it over again- knowing what you know now – what other choices regarding your responses might have served you and the relationship better?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)