The reflective questions posed each week may be ones you want to consider for yourself in your efforts to strengthen your own conflict mastery. Or, they may be ones you ask the people you are assisting to help them gain increased self-awareness and other perspectives on themselves, the other person and their conflict situations regarding the specific topic posted. In either case, we invite you to add your ideas for other questions and provide comments.
Decision-Making in Interpersonal Conflict
When we’re in conflict, there are many decisions to be made during and after it is over. Even when we anticipate dissension, there are decisions to make about how to effectively engage in the interaction. Our ability to make any sort of decision about conflictual matters and the relationship dynamic decrease the more upset we become. For various reasons in the heat of the moment we often seem to think it is necessary to do or say something, rather than taking a ‘time-out’ to decide the optimum way forward. This can lead to reactions that we recall later as being ill-conceived, embarrassing and poorly timed.
What we blurt out without thinking during a conflict may be a need to defend, retaliate or assert our perspective, or to make the other person wrong. We generally don’t think we have choices at these times. However, the quest here is to consider how to make decisions about how to or whether to engage the other person, so we won’t agonize about them afterwards. As you answer the questions below, please think of a time when you reacted to a conflictual interaction in a way that was not productive and the conflict ended in a less than satisfactory way:
- What did you say or do that didn’t work for you or the other person?
- How did you decide to say or do that?
- At what point may you have decided on a different response?
- What may you have chosen to say or do instead?
- What do you suppose kept you from doing so that time?
- What would have been different if you had taken that different response?
- What did you learn from that interaction?
- Based on this learning, what decision do you intend to make the next time you are in a similar situation?
- What choices would there be to ensure that happens?
- What is it like for you to look at your conflictual interactions from this vantage point – about having choices to decide how to respond?
Are there any other comments about this topic and/or what other Conflict Mastery™ Quest(ions) you would add?
Posted in Choice in Conflict, Decisions
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Being Clear About Outcomes When In Disputes
When emotions prevail during interpersonal conflict, many of us cannot easily think ahead to what we want as an outcome. If we acknowledge that possibility, we may do some preparatory work before we initiate a potentially conflictual discussion or get caught up in the middle of one. If we engage in some preliminary reflections, our actions and words will more likely be aligned with our objective. Otherwise, the likelihood of chaotic thinking and feelings is high and we end up conducting ourselves in ways that are unproductive and inconsistent with what we want to have happen.
These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are about the situations when we are not clear about or have not thought out the outcome we desire. It makes sense to request some time before conversing to be able to get our emotions and thoughts in perspective at these times, to regain our equilibrium. When considering the following questions, please think of a dispute you had when you lost clarity of what you wanted as an outcome:
- Now that you look back on the conflict, what outcome did you want?
- At what point in the dispute were you not clear about what you wanted as an outcome (i.e. before it erupted, when it began, during the conflict, after, other)?
- What was the first sign for you that your emotions were clouding your ability to think out what you wanted to have happen?
- What emotion(s) were you experiencing at that time?
- At what point do you think you may you have been able to regain a sense of equilibrium and clarity?
- What do you suppose got in the way of that happening?
- In what ways were the resulting outcomes close to and far off from what you hoped for?
- What worked well about the eventual outcome in any case?
- What didn’t work so well about the outcome?
- What did you learn about what you could do next time you are in an interpersonal conflict?
Please feel free to add any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here.
Fears in Interpersonal Conflict
Though not always expressed, it is common that people in conflict experience some level of fear about the dynamic between them and the other person. This may be about the issues in dispute and/or the relationship, or their own reactions and experience of the conflict. In a small scale study CINERGY® Coaching did with 200 clients about what fears they have in their interpersonal disputes, the fear of a loss of some sort prevailed. Loss of the relationship (connecting, caring, etc.), of face, of reputation, of job, of security and so on are examples. Other fears such as being hurt, alienated, embarrassed, shamed, rejected, hurting someone and the unknown were also common.
Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to consider in more detail about fears if this aspect of conflict resonates for you. Please think of your last interpersonal dispute to answer the following and if you did not experience fear of any sort in that one, choose an example in which you did:
- How would you describe the fear or fears you experienced in that dispute?
- What particularly was it that the other person said or did that resulted in you experiencing fear?
- What does that say about your hope(s), expectation(s) and/or need(s) in that dispute?
- How did you experience that fear emotionally?
- How did you experience that fear in your body?
- What were the thoughts going on for you when the fear set in?
- What about your fear has a basis in reality?
- What about your fear does not have a basis in reality?
- What decision(s) did you make about the issue and/or the person that may have been fear-based?
- How did the fear help you? Hurt you?
- What do you think needs to happen in a situation to help reduce fears that get in the way of moving on or letting go?
Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) would you add on this subject of fears in interpersonal conflict?
Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Reactions
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Reacting to Interpersonal Conflict
There are days when we are in conflict with another person we respond strongly to his or her action or words that may not have the same impact on other days. Fatigue, personal or professional worries and other stressors all contribute to how reactive we are, to whom and for what reason. Some strong emotions leave us in a state of heart and mind that may confuse us and add to the strain we already experience as a consequence of the conflict. These emotions can sometimes take over and we find ourselves responding in uncharacteristic and extreme ways to the other person (and even other people and situations that are unrelated to the initial trigger point).
It is often a challenge to figure out what is happening in the moment that leads to reactions we then agonize about – sometimes for days and nights. Continuing feelings of shame, vulnerability, sadness and upset do not help us move on, of course and they add more tension to our lives, for the other person and those around us. Considering a past dispute to which you reacted strongly, here are some questions:
- What specifically was it that the person said/ did (did not say/do) that you reacted to?
- What were you feeling when that happened?
- What do you suppose led you to feel especially reactive in this situation?
- What were you thinking about the other person and situation when you were provoked this way?
- Under what circumstances do you usually find you react stronger than others? Under what circumstances are you less reactive?
- What are you most distressed about right now as you think about the situation and/or the other person?
- For what reasons do you suppose that sentiment remains with you?
- Generally-speaking, what is the usual impact (if any) on other parts of your life when you react strongly? How about for the other person?
- What positive repercussions are there for you when you react strongly? How about for the other person?
- How do you prefer to react when you are in conflict? How may you ensure that reaction next time?
Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here with respect to reacting strongly?
Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Post-Conflict, Reactions, Resilience
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Considering Consequences of Disputes
What happens to many of us in the heat of an argument, is that we don’t consider the aftermath. One of the consequences of our actions and words or those of the other person is that we cannot easily undo what hurt we experience or caused. Emotions can linger and the pieces that are not reconciled, end up being the remnants in which we clothe our next dispute.
Thinking before we speak is sage advice that is likely said more than it is practiced. If more of us caught ourselves before destructive words and actions seep out, our disputes may not result in sustained tension and other sentiments that continue long after the conflict is over. The following questions are aimed at building awareness to help eliminate unproductive consequences of conflicts. Consider a previous dispute that lingers and you prefer that it mends instead.
- What feels unfinished for you about that interaction?
- How would you describe the consequences that are lingering on for you?
- What did the other person say or do that lingers on?
- What do you regret that you said or did in that conflict that continues to bother you?
- What may the other person say or do at this point that would help matters?
- What clarification may you not be asking for that you want or need?
- What may be unfinished or unresolved for the other person?
- What do you want the other person to know that he or she may not realize and that may help you and/or him or her move on?
- Considering how you want the relationship to be, what may you say or do to facilitate that?
- What do you think you could begin to let go of that offended you in this interaction?
- What seems like a pattern you have when it comes to situations like this that you would like to change?
Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you ask here?
Posted in Consequences, Post-Conflict, Resilience
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